Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.
Young at heart, slightly older in other places.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
I talk to myself, I like dealing with a better class of people.
Caution: In case of Rapture, this web page will not be updated.
OK, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
When everything is coming your way, you are in the wrong lane.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple payments.
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
What if the Hokey Pokey, is really what it's all about?
First National Bank Of Dad; Sorry,Closed.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Truisms
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
A song fest was hell at the Assembly Of God church Wednesday.
Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Don't be so open-minded your brains will fall out.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
Friendship is one soul in two bodies.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!
Always remember no matter where you go, there you are.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have any film.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I'm so poor I can't afford to pay attention.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with!
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some people abuse the privilege.
I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
If all is not lost, where is it?
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them...you are a mile away from them ... and you have their shoes.
Don't You Just Love It?
When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Right!. What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
When people say "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
When people say, "Life is short." What?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
When something is "new and improved!" Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, there must have been something before it.
Laws Of Life
The pay rise is just enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Insurance covers everything except what happens.
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
The chocolate bar you planned to eat on the way home from the supermarket is hidden at the bottom of the carrier bag.
When leaving work late, you will go unnnoticed. When you leave early, you will meet the boss in the car park.
Bumper Snickers
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Time is what keeps everthing from happening at once.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public school.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Humpty Dumpty Was Pushed!
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
We've got enough youth.
How about a fountain of SMART!
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Warning: Dates in calender are closer than they appear.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
I took an IQ test and it came out negative.
Laugh at your problems, everyone else does.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
If your voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Money is the root of all wealth.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
Yes money grows on trees.
Stop, Drop & Roll will not work in hell 
If you run with dogs, don't be suprised when you get up with fleas 
You don't have to attend every argument you are invited to. 
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